For most of my life, I’ve had trouble falling asleep and/or waking up.

In middle school, I had to be coerced out of bed by my mom, before draping myself in blankets as I shuffled groggily into the dining room to eat my breakfast.

In high school, I had to get my mom to drive me and my friend to class in the morning because I chronically could not wake up early enough to walk there. I could have done it on warm enough days had I gotten out the door in time.

While the first two years of college are an empty void in my memory, the latter two was much the same as in high school. But I began noting that my body was taking a really long time to fall asleep from getting in bed. A 9:30 am lecture—hardly ‘early’—had me struggling to get up in time, despite my wakeup being 9 am.

Post-graduation, my sleep latency—how long it takes between intending to sleep and sleeping—slowly increased until this summer, when it really became a severe problem. A trip to Europe worsened it.

As the weeks went by, my sleep became more insufferable. My body would take 2 or 3 hours to fall asleep, which usually occurred between 2 and 3 am. Beginning in December, it’s been more than that. 5 to 7 am is when my body thinks is somehow acceptable to fall asleep.

At night, I feel tired and experience what I think is sleepiness, but my body won’t go under and my brain won’t stop spinning. My eyes droop and water, my head lolls, and my concentration wanes. I feel it. I feel sleep. But it doesn’t come to me. And so though I feel the most sleepy between 1 and 3 am, my body slides through awake.

Melatonin is a common sleep aid, and one that I’ve been using all this time. I started probably at 2 or 3mg/night as a kid. Over the years it’s increased as my body has made it more challenging to fall asleep. Back in October, I tested ceasing taking the pills—then 10mg/night. There was no difference. Did it just stop having any effect on me?

I’ve tried forcing my body to wake up at a certain time. I’ve tried listening to sleep aid podcasts; to white, brown, and pink noise; to albums. I’ve tried going to bed early; going to bed late. I have all my devices tint orange when it’s past sundown. I read for 30–60 minutes before going to bed, on top of the shower I take preceding reading. My lifestyle is sedate, but exercise and exertion doesn’t help my sleep. I’ve tried wearing a mask over my eyes and plugging my ears. I’ve tried getting up and reading or walking around when I can’t fall asleep.

Only one thing has worked: back in October I had a short-lived job across town where I had to wake up early and do a decent amount of physical labor. That brought down my sleep latency, but it was miserable nonetheless as my body still did not take kindly to the shift in sleep schedule: that weekend I slept for 13 hours or something crazy like that, because even though I was falling asleep faster, it was not enough sleep.

I had a sleep psychologist for three months in the late summer and early fall. Cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I) failed. The trials above mostly came from our weekly sessions. People have good intentions when suggesting something to help, but whatever it is I’ve tried it before. Except CBD, which I am not interested in taking.

My psychiatrist has put me on Ambien, a drug my mom occasionally uses when she can’t sleep, and one which she rarely gave young me little doses of on really tough nights. My primary care doctor has referred me to a pulmonologist for sleep issues. Will anything come of these avenues?

So far, Ambien is working well. I am not ruminating for hours in bed, and I’m waking up earlier. It’s been good. But it isn’t for long-term usage, or otherwise I might develop a tolerance eventually.

Right now, all I want is to be able to have a normal and consistent sleep schedule. I don’t care for being up late past 2:30 am on even the rare occasions. I just want to be able to put my head down and dream. Is that so much to ask of my body?

Every night I beg it, “sleep plz.”